Admittance

When I was pregnant with Boy, I worried a lot.

I worried a lot about life, about how we would cope with having a child and living with Hunna's parents.

But there is something I worried about more than anything else.

Babies.

I don't like babies. I mean ... I really don't like babies.

I have to say it.

I wouldn't mind if all babies arrived at about 4 months old. I'm happy with a 4 month old. I like 4 month olds. They're predictable. They interact. They smile.

{ I do understand why we don't push out 4 month olds, imagine that! }

But really baby babies and I have a somewhat rocky relationship.

Sometimes I feel pressure, pressure to pretend that I'm in love with other people's babies. That they are joyous and cute and I can't get enough of their baby smell.

I feel that I mustn't be maternal enough or perfect enough because I can't automatically love them or coo at them or trace their features with my finger.

People would tell me ' It's different when you have your own. '

But as my due date drew nearer, with Boy, I wasn't overly concerned about getting him out.

Because then I would have a baby.

And not just any baby. A baby that I couldn't give back. He would be my baby.

I desperately hoped for the instant bond that others said they experienced after birth.

But I can genuinely say. It wasn't instant.

I'd never had a baby. I'd never had a child. I didn't know what loving my own child was, or how to do it or how it would make me feel or react.

He was essentially a stranger, with different ideas on life. With different ideas on sleeping and eating. With different ideas on everything.

It was awkward and new and different and insane but eventually.

He changed me.

He taught me about pure love. About how it starts very small but grows and grows until you think your heart will burst.

How it fills you and radiates through your entire body.

How it changes you so radically that you know you will never be the same again.

Boy taught me about selfless love.

He taught me I have a greater capacity to love and be loved.

So, this time I am excited. I am allowing my self to look forward to having a new baby.

I know it will be hard and awkward and I accept that perhaps I'm just not a baby person.

But I also feel it will be different with this baby.

Because Boy with his infinite patience and understanding has paved the way.

And I can't wait to love and cherish and adore another member of our family.

Even if it will be awkward just for a little while.