Wednesday, March 24, 2010

5 things they don't tell you

Okie doke, because it is 5:30am & I've been up since 2:18 --

5 things they don't tell you about pregnancy

THINg 1

Complete strangers will most definitely think it is ok to touch, poke, stare and talk at your belly even if they are complete strangers. *worst offenders: the women at the post office, the supermarket & the chemist. (avoid these places)

THINg 2

Conversation with acquaintances for the entire pregnancy will primarily consist of " How are you feeling/ Have you been sick?, Not long to go now, bet you cant wait -- do you know the sex?Oh a boy Isn't that nice -- oh well it will be a learning experience"

At which you will become very practiced at saying " Im well thank-you, no hasn't been too bad. Yes only (insert week) weeks. *nodding* yes, we're having a little boy .. *fake smile* awkward laugh. .. awkward pause (look for way out)"

{{When what you REALLY want to say is " I feel fat, I cant walk around for more than 10 minutes without getting sore ankles, I have insomnia, reflux, low iron and any other annoying condition you can think of which means I just don't sleep. I've been told not to eat practically everything nice & I've been told to eat practically everything gross. I've been forced to drink gross lime sugar mixture & swallow pills three times a day, I've been poked & prodded - tested and re-tested like I have a disease and I honestly couldn't even put my socks on this morning because the baby's bottom is now wedged permanently under my left rib. ... and how are you doing? "}}

wouldn't have it any other way would we?

THINg 3

Your health care appointments will usually consist of a midwife trying to find something ...anything... wrong with you --

Their first question will be " How have you been doing?" but don't be fooled by the sweet exterior, anything you say will be written down and exaggerated.

If you tell them you don't eat red meat they will act like it is the end of the world & ask you to list all the foods you've eaten in the last week.

If you tell them your dairy intolerant they will act like it is the end of the world & ask you to list all the foods you've eaten in the last week.

If your husband tells them he has a history of diabetes in HIS family they will assume you have gestational diabetes...(go figure) and ask you to list all the foods you've eaten in the last week.

If you have low iron stores you suddenly have anemia & are asked to list all the foods you've eaten in the last week.

seriously... I should be dead. Im not.

THINg 4

You will not be able to breathe & it will get progressively worse *seriously no one told me this* Why did no one tell me it gets this hard to breathe?

THINg 5

When you move away from Tasmania (where they like to birth naturally) it will be implied that a natural birth will probably kill you & you will need to sign a million forms saying you choose not to be pumped with this drug & that drug unless it is an emergency situation; then when the deed is done the midwife will look down at you through her spectacles with her beedy black eyes as if to say
" your going to die a slow and painful death "

sigh..

back to bed, thanks for helping me waste time.


10 comments:

Elissa said...

Haha! So true! It helps to get to a point though that you can't stand being pregnant a moment longer and so you don't care how much it hurts to get it out!

Nettie's Blog said...

it is all worth it when they put that little man on your tummy and you touch his little body and hold him in your arms to your breast...beleive you me...you wont remember any of this at all...and all those questions wont matter a jot...
thinking of you..not long to go hang in there...love ya..Nettie

Essie said...

I feel for u Jess! The worst is yet to come though!! Actually, even when the worst is over it doesn't get too much better!! Get used to no sleep! Oh except the whole cute little baby thing- that's IS pretty awesome!

The Parsons Family said...

ohhh he he he... thanks for the laugh Jess! Wait till you can say you have done it all 4 times...... very repetative stuff!!!!!

Eloise said...

Thank you for the 5 things SOMEONE told me before I get pregnant. It was an eyeopener! Very useful. However I had already thought of Number 1 and am quite scared. This being said I'm still looking forward to complaining about all these things eventually myself =P

This hasn't put you off doing it again I hope?

Rebecca said...

haha!! Well usually relfux goes pretty soon after - unfortunately though you will be ABLE to sleep = your bubba won't let you ( I also got insomnia and it nearly drove me MAD)
Hmmmmmm low iron is bad if you have a haemorage... but mostly you feel great after the baby comes out for a few hours anyway!!!!

Collette said...

would you like some cheese with that wine??

Essie said...

wine? Isn't it whine Collette?! Come on, you're a teacher.

make it perfect said...

Oh the breathing! That is HORRIBLE!!! No matter how deep a breath you take it just isn't enough! Have you reached the point where you get really hungry and want to eat a yummy roast and can only get a couple of fork-fuls in because there is no room left for the food to go?!!! Soon enough it will all be over and you will embark on the next part of this wondrous voyage!

So looking forward to the choccie mousse recipe tomorrow!
x

Jess [Bradbury] Wheeler said...

Oh my goodness...
Note to self: Don't get pregnant for a while... a long while.

Haha. Hope things get better soon Jess.

P.S. Your mousse recipe is awesome.