Monday, December 31, 2012
What type of a person justifies complaining...
I am THE biggest complainer. My balloon is blown up so tight that it often only takes a small prick for a massive release of gushing air. The balloon swinging wildly around the room until it settles in a miserable shrivelled mess on the floor.
And one gush, inevitably, leads to another.
My sisters favourite phrase for me in my late teens was " do you want some cheese with that whine?"
I would hope that I am considerably improved since then. Hope. But doubt it.
The many late nights I have sat crying and gushing over my poor Hunna who (mostly sighs and asks if we can do it at a more appropriate hour ) which inevitably sets me off on complaining about something else. Probably about him. Poor soul.
It's funny how people have admired how long it took to go to hospital when my appendix burst and swallowed some of my intestines with it. How painful it would've been.. but to me. Physical pain. Is not what I complain about the most.
Sure in the last week I've heaved an exasperated half sob ( half because I can't show any emotion without hurting my abdomen ) and wailed " why me Hunna .. And now I have a cold too.. Is there NO end? "
But mostly the complaining is of the emotional kind.
Pinch me, kick me and bruise me. OK that will hurt but betray me, poke fun at me or withdraw love and I will be a heap on the bedroom floor for weeks. I'll mull that sentence over and over in my head. Roll it around on my tongue trying to make sense of it.
Deconstructing every syllable until exhausted I fall asleep.
Apparently it's called "emotional sensitivity"
Yes, I am sensitive. I know this.
But does the sensitivity have to come with very cringe worthy complaining. I think not.
The other week in sacrament while listening to the Devonport Stake Patriarchs talk I was struck with something he said.
" time does not heal all wounds, love heals all wounds"
After Dad died I treated my grief like I would a cut or a bruise. Expecting it would leave over time. That it would heal itself and one day I would wake up and the gnawing of my tiny teenage heart would be gone.
I've treated most emotionally sensitive issues since with the same, patience is key, attitude.
Sometimes, time does heal emotional hurt, but not because I have dealt with it.. Simply because I have seemingly forgotten about it. Like it wasn't that important to begin with.
But some things. They don't leave with time, they are always with me. More painful than any burst appendix or any bowel resection.
These are the things I tend to complain about.
These are the things, I now find ( after a fantastic sacrament talk) I should fill with love. Smother with charity and dollop with forgiveness.
Love is all you need .... right?
Thursday, December 27, 2012
As we saw a future where we lived independently arriving soon and one with him also completing his apprenticeship.
We prayerfully considered our circumstances and began the necessary process of beginning again.
By mid April I was beginning to get excited about the prospect of adding to our brood.
By May I felt that it was truly our month. That was until I unexpectedly got my period two weeks in to my usual cycle. I felt an overwhelming sense of grief and loss. I don't know if I miscarried. I will never know. It is unusual for me to have irregular periods but either way I was devastated another month had gone.
By August comments from people assuming I was morning sick when I often had IBS symptoms felt more like blows to the stomach than jovial banter.
I was confused as it only took one cycle to conceive Boy. I wondered what fate Heavenly Father had for me.
I ached to hold life in my belly again. To feel the first butterflies of kicking. And connect with a new little being.
I blamed Hunna for not wanting a baby enough. Convinced Heavenly Father was punishing me for waiting too long between children, or being a less than fit mother to Boy or even not appreciating him enough.
But all through the year, month after month. I knew. I always knew it hasn't been time. That season is still ahead of us.
When I got sick. Not just a little bit sick but a lot sick. When I needed surgery. When I probably could call that my third near death experience.
I was upset that, on doctors recommendation, it would be at least another three months to allow my body time to heal.
But then, over this past week. I have realised. From the very beginning. My Heavenly Father has not been punishing me. He has blessed me. As he always does. As he always will.
How silly of me to forget the house experience so quickly.
If I had been pregnant or had a new baby. The trial of sickness would've been much greater. Much more of a burden. Much more than I could have handled.
There would've been so many more complications.
How blessed I am that everything happens in the Lords time. Because only he can see when things are best for me. When trials will become blessings.
And even when he sends me trials of pain and scars and recovery. He allows me little rays of hope. Home for Christmas Eve. Home for Christmas morning, I could see the smile on Boys face and the joy he experienced in the flesh.
I could tentatively sit and laugh and eat with my family through the day.
I could heal. I could recover. I could be blessed, even through pain.
Monday, December 24, 2012
I went in. They scanned .. I waited for the results. I took myself off to the doctors. Everything was clear. Clear and healthy. So why was I having the worst pain in my abdominal area?
My blood test showed my infection markers where up. My white blood cell count was up.
I dropped Boy off at my sisters. I was in accident and emergency for 15 minutes. My heart rate was up. I was clammy. Pale and I had lost 5 kg in the two weeks since I felt sick.
They put me on a drip.
There was a mass in my abdomen near my appendix. I am so skinny they can't tell specifically what is inflamed or infected.
They started me on antibiotics.
They send me to the ward.
The surgeon came. Surgery. She couldn't say what would happen during the surgery. The had to look to see what was up.
I might come out with a bag if things were worse than expected. I might have Chron's disease. I might have cancer.
On Wednesday I was booked in for Thursday afternoon. I needed time for the antibiotics to reduce the infection/inflammation.
I last ate on Tuesday at lunch time.
No food and only sips of water until surgery.
At 1.30 pm on Thursday I went in for surgery. When I woke up I was in incredible pain.
My appendix was gone, the right side of some of my large bowl and 20cm of my small bowel.
I had had a Bowel Resection.
I spent almost 5 hours in recovery.
I didn't have a bag. But I did have a drain and a catheter. That night my blood pressure was very low. I was monitored constantly.
I have a 10cm scar up the middle of my belly that even goes past my belly button.
So I really was very sick.
I really have been very sick.
So now, I am in hospital. Recovering, waiting for things to start working again. The pain is almost gone. I was allowed to eat for the first time, last night, in 5 days.
Food is amazing.
And I am waiting for the biopsy of my abdo mass. Just to make sure.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
I am frightfully frightfully sick.
For the last three years I have battled with crippling abdominal cramping, on and off. It often makes me vomit. It hurts. It is tiring.
12 months ago. Fed up with my health I went to seek medical advice. After some nasty tests and a scope down my throat I was diagnosed with IBS.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I was given a plan for management but ( as it seemed ) was basically told nothing could be done and I was figuratively sent home to die.
I became vegetarian in an attempt to focus more on what I was consuming. I read every possible article on IBS I could and did everything I thought I should.
But it has persisted.
Then I came to Tas.. a little over a week ago I started feeling the same ole abdominal cramping. Which inevitably left me vomiting and once again wondering what I was doing that was so horribly wrong.
The abdominal pain, instead of being relieved by a night over a bucket, which is usually the case. Has persisted. It has been with me for over a week. Last week after hardly eating for 5 days I took myself off to the doctor.
Who suspects I have been misdiagnosed.
On Tuesday, I will go for my first abdominal scan.
Here's hoping that its as simple as removing some nasty stones or a malfunctioning gall bladder. And it will all go away.
Because that would be the lesser of two evils.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Other times it lashes out like a toads tongue, frightfully fast and deadly accurate, with a loud thwack
Then I have a third tongue. The tongue of a serpent. The deadliest of the three.
I both love and loathe it.
For instance: My silver tongue has served me well for communicating, talking and giving speeches with clear concise language.
My toad tongue once proclaimed, at the end of a glorious silver tongued talk to the congregation " So Brothers and Sisters, Are you on high ground?" Thwack
But my serpent tongue. My serpent tongue is a weapon. It sniffs the air with a threatening hiss as it slides back and forth between my lips.
It can do insurmountable damage. It can snatch joy from the air and choke it with flames.
I promise. I do try to hold my serpent tongue.
Sometimes I am more successful than others.
Since meeting Hunna I have made a conscious effort to soften and calm my sometimes raging, often unpredictable and always emotional tongue.
He is my Jiminy Cricket conscience, calmly directing me to choose the right.
There is another thing that has been helping me.
I can write and write and everything I have felt flows onto the page, released through my fingers and not through my lips I can refine my thoughts.
Writing about when Hunna and I met has reminded me of great memories which I want to cherish and can now peruse and connect with whenever I like.
So, I've decided to continue with our journey... Because I had stalled somewhat because I am a romanticist.
Because the next chapter is raw and sometimes not romantic at all.
But I need to tell it.
From like to loke. from loke to love. From love and beyond.
It all needs to be said.
The wedding approaches.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
I am in denial. About how much I truly truly love you.
I pretend that it doesn't matter you work so much. That its nice just to see you when you sneak into bed next to me late at night after a big day at work.
And that since we don't see each other much these days anyway-- that being away for four whole weeks would be easy.
I miss your cuddles.
How the weight of your body makes a dip in the mattress that I fall into when we sleep next to each other and consequently waking up all hot and sweaty even in the middle of winter because your body is always set on toastier than black toast.
I miss your constant and even deep breathing lulling me to sleep.
I even miss your alarm going off ten times at 4am cause you reset it to snooze every 8 minutes.
I don't miss hearing the truck start up and idle down the drive, but I do miss the excitement I feel when I hear it idling back into its spot at the end of the day.
So here's to us and our forever. I can't wait to hear the sound of your truck idling up Mums drive soon.
I'll see you in 2.5 weeks dearest.
Boy has been IPading away on our play school app and really getting into making pictures.
He really is amazing and wonderful and every other similar descriptive word that I can't think of right now.
It is good to fill up the tank.
It is good to be far away from all the stresses that were the move and winter and everything before that.
I feel like we are finally feeling the rewards of our hard work and patience.
It has been a long time with a small flicker of light for hope at the end of a very long tunnel.
But I can finally see the light is coming closer and that our family will be better off for the long hard journey of apprenticeships and long hours and no pay.
And I imagine the tunnel will open onto a glorious field with sun and flowers and light.
And rabbits and stuff...
In the meantime. I'm enjoying the time off before returning to the grind.
Friday, November 30, 2012
( doesn't the Lemnos recipe look amazing!)
#2 I feel healthier. Less heavy and more energetic.
#3 I don't need to wash or change chopping boards when prepping meals. Less mess = happy Jess
Veg it up!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Here's this years wish list. ( all found on Down That Little Lane or DTLL for short )
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Well.. I am having one of those weeks. I am getting absolutely positively frustrated with everything.
It started Friday night when I was making my flower for the ball...
Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;
And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings there of are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.
And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
It is cream with orange and red floral print splashed across the dry silk.
I am apprehensive and excited and anxious and almost about to die from all the emotions that seem to have settled in that place in my stomach.
The one that makes me want to do a nervous poop.. or ten.
I wonder where in the park he will be.
I decide to park my car somewhere close to the middle and enter through the middle gate on the top side. So I can scan the park for him from my vantage point on the hill.
I straighten my dress, my cardigan, my hair.
I straighten my back, my posture and take a deep breath before striding confidently down the hill.
Only my eyes give away the anxiety I feel on the inside.
They dart like a manic squirrel back and forth around the park- over to the play area and the tall trees down to the duck pond and over to the middle.. the middle. The chess set, to Kyle.
Kyle is standing next to the chess set looking gloriously overdressed in a suit and tie on a suddenly warm afternoon in March.
I smile, I float towards him.. feeling foolishly giggly. My worries, as always, melt away when we make eye contact.
He glistens in the sunlight, and I can't help but think how shiny and new he looks. Like he's just come out of his Ken doll box. His face is warm and his touch inviting as he reaches out his hand to guide me to the bench seat.
He talks to me, for a second too long and my roller coaster ride of emotion starts to even. Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps I misinterpreted the note. Perhaps...
He interrupts my thoughts when he jumps off the seat next to me onto one knee.
My heart leaps from my chest and he pulls a ring, THE ring. My ring from his pocket.
"Jessica Mary Gibson will you be my wife?"
I can't remember what I said. But I suppose I said yes. I imagine it was a yes that caught in my throat and came out all squeeky and high as I often do when my emotions are doing loops in my stomach.
I remember an older couple had paused to see the action, standing awkwardly off towards the hot house and I wasn't even annoyed that they were being nosey because I was embracing him and kissing him and giggling and smiling and .. was someone clapping?
Did they clap? Or did I just imagine they clapped.
I am delighted. I am engaged. I am in love.
This means I have been going crazy...
Today we got it back again. Tomorrow I will blog something mind blowing to make up for my lack of blogging in the last two weeks.
Here's some what we've been up to Instagram piccies....
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
You see, two and a bit years is a long time to be living with the in laws.. It's a long time to relax -- Kick back and enjoy sharing everyday tasks with another matriarch.
I had been undeniably concerned that I had forgotten how to "negotiate the pleats" and when we moved into the mess that was Phillips and I was confronted with 3 weeks worth of scrubbing I quite lost my mind.
But-- I have struggled through (after some pouting) and triumphantly come out the other side with a bellow of glory.
I CAN do it! I CAN do it all!! Did you doubt me?
My Mumma plate and my wifey plate and my church calling plate and my cleaning plate and my me plate and all the others that make up my multifacited life are quite happily spinning on the end of their sticks.
Just how they should be.
Oh how I thrive on being busy.
Also, I L.O.V.E gumtree...
I noticed this listing you see... For this free piano and I looked up the make on the Internet and even found the original catalogue for that A. Bord Piano and I thought Oo la la how French. And I emailed that person and today we picked up that free piano ( and by we I mean Hunna did because I was deathly ill and in bed ) but when it arrived on the back of the truck this afternoon I felt suddenly well enough to rip my weary bones from the bed of my sickness and rush to the front door and exclaim "put it here..or here, no here"
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
back soon. x
Friday, October 12, 2012
I just bought a beautiful solid table, oh and those chairs I told you I was crushing. And now I will make them beautiful with the power of pinterest inspiration.
So get excited for some creativeness coming soon.
Lucky for me there hasn't been any hot weather in the last 3 weeks tempting me to procrastinate cleaning for being outside.
Lucky for me I have had some great motivating messages and visits since my last post which have given me enough gumption ( literally, thanks Mel) to continue the dreaded job. ( which had stalled a bit cause I was over it)
I have gone through 6 pairs of gloves
3 rolls of paper towel
1 tub of gumption
5 scrub brushes
Loads of spray bottles of "cleaning grimey stuff"
And a roll of 150 dry wipes
And I managed to convince Kyle to chisel the muck off the bottom of the toilet bowl so now it is sparkley clean and his chisel is ... well, not.
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
I can't get over the fact that I have to clean an entire house from top to bottom. I know I really need to move on from it. But it is making me really depressed thinking about all the "extra" tasks I have to do on top of day to day cleaning/cooking & child rearing because the Landlord didn't get the last tenant to clean up after themselves or bother to get a professional in.
|think: scrubbing the whole house. From top to bottom.|
I know I said I would be done by last week but we were under the weather and our plans got pushed back. On top of that Kyle has been working insurmountable hours and I am thinking I am a single parent at the moment which makes Bastian the primary concern since he is needing some extra emotional support and attention since we moved and doesn't have his Dadda around much.
I just feel really frustrated because I know if I was at home-- real home, I would have had so many relief society sisters call in and check on me. Dropping off meals and pushing past me to clean the walls against my futile denials that I need any help.
I miss the fellow ship of the sisters in Tasmania. They are as strong as oxen.
Its easier when your burdens are lightened by many.
However, I will say this.
The few but faithful (namely the beautiful Julia and the stunning Mel) who have helped me and supported me during the process have given me hope for the future.
I hope that Melton is as tight as Tassie because I couldn't find the same feeling of love and warmth and unity in Geelong.
I hope that I will find older sisters to be close with and coddle me like mothers.
Because I miss that. I miss all my surrogate mothers in Tassie.
And most of all I miss my real, no nonsense Mum too..
I wonder if for the rest of my life I will hear her in my head, like she is over my shoulder. Scolding me like she would when I was five with a brisk "Jessica" and telling me to get on with it.
Seriously sub-consious Mum. I could use a break!
Thursday, October 04, 2012
|Morning potty interrogations|
This morning I had my grumpy pants on after Boy threw a glass jar in a minnie "I'm frustrated your not getting it Mumma" tantrum. So I sent him to bed, to sleep off his own grumpy pants.
Now I am bored. And wish I hadn't had grumpy pants on because I want to play.
But he really did need a nap since he didn't get one yesterday because we were out for lunch.
But still... that doesn't change the fact I am bored.
We are cleaning. Cleaning and packing - doing it slowly so it doesn't overwhelm me.
I am easily overwhelmed since we moved to Phillips. It has something to do with the fact that we moved in to a house that was trashed and more to do with the fact I am exhausted from cleaning at all hours.
So we have slowed the pace. Because we are getting sniffly and thats generally a good enough excuse to say "slow down cowboy"
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
We have finally done it. We have spread our wings and flown the in-laws coop.
It was all very exciting until we entered the front door, trailer load of "stuff" in tow and found the previous tenant hadn't cleaned. In fact I would hazard a guess the previous tenant hadn't cleaned anything in a good 6 months.
Not to worry. The last week (though quiet on the blog) has been filled with wall washing and oven scrubbing and tears over how much dirt and muck their is to clean. But joy and triumph and great accomplishment after each room is completed.
I am horribly high on cleaning products, but found that sugar water was clearly sent straight from Heaven when it comes to wall washing.
I shall be finished I suppose by tomorrow. Then life ( and the blog) will return to normal and I suppose I shall continue to story of like to love.
Just for you Collette. I know how you swoon over Kyle's gallantry ;)
Friday, September 21, 2012
Boy was doing some creating today. Some serious, scrunch up the paper and throw it over my shoulder if its not right creating.
After this picture was taken he stole a permanent pen I was using to label boxes with (oo there is a hint as to what the big news is right there...)
Anyway, he drew all up his arms with that permanent pen.
And I laughed and laughed and didn't feel one ounce of guilt because I was busy and thats what happens sometimes.
Plus.... eventually... it will wear off.
As we get older.. together. I am realising more and more that sometimes I am a terribly neglectful Mumma. I feed him nuggets and chips two nights in a row because I am busy, I turn the T.V on and sit him down in front of it for half a day because I am busy.
But thats O.K. That's ok because I know, most of the time, I am not super super busy and most of the time I am playing and cooking healthy food and being the best Mumma I can be.
So its ok to have a little rest.
Because tomorrow, tomorrow it will ALL be worth it :)
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
He has been noticing he is a boy and Mumma is a girl. Especially since he has started potty training.
This got me thinking.
We will soon be having a FHE lesson on how our body is a temple. But I wanted something more helpful to help open dialogue about our private parts.
I have known about this book for a while.
Today, it arrived in the mail.