Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Before surgery I was a woman on a mission, I was fulfilling my calling and packing and moving and cleaning and filled with energy I was rolling around at a hectic pace. Loving the life we were making for ourselves. I was going steadily towards our goals of home, family, financial security and many more.
Then everything that happened leading up to and at Christmas unbalanced me, it took me off the course I thought I was meant to be on and created a friction that bought this rolling stone to a grinding halt.
After surgery I felt a stagnant inertia, I wasn't moving. I had potential energy but was resisting any change. After all I was recovering.
Suddenly without the momentum I had before I felt the heavy weight of my rock. It felt like it wouldn't budge. Like I had no idea how to get it moving again.
Doomed to a life of solitude and stagnant thoughts.
Everything was slipping through my fingers like water in cupped hands and I was grappling to keep it all and clasping my hands ever so tightly together to save any skerrick I could.
The bills were piling up, my body was broken, I felt as if everything I had been trying to build was what was stopping me from moving on. Like in some twisted horror movie I'd unwittingly played a part in my own demise.
How selfish of me to think we could move out and keep the rolling pace we'd gathered so slowly since we started living with Hunna's parents.
I should've cherished the freedoms more, should've saved more, done more, relished in it more.
When the last trickle of water dropped from between my palms I felt beaten and broken.
Newton's first law of motion states that "An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force."
I had been unbalanced.
Writing this I actually think it is embarrassing how easily uncentered I am.
The week before last , I was giving Kyle my usual, ' The Lord will provide ' pep talk. The one I give when we are dirt poor and have just received another bill. - the has it been 3 months all ready? type of bill. Which seems to be about every week now.
But my heart wasn't in it. I don't know if he could tell. I was actually pretty convincing. I think I might've convinced myself by the end of it because I suddenly felt as if the big heavy stone which had been stuck in a pool of sticky mud squelched a bit sideways.
I felt my potential energy. I wrote this post on 'do overs' and I convinced myself a little more, that, even if the rock isn't on the track I thought it would take. Even if I have to push it sideways to get out of the mud and it goes on a completely new path. That's ok. I can accept that.
Maybe I am stuck in the mud because I refuse to push it towards anything but where I thought it should go. Maybe.. Just maybe.
A sideways push will dislodge my boulder and my potential energy will go kinetic once again..
And as I type this, I realise. I'm pushing sideways right now.