Reality.

*Let the hormonal ride continue. One of my pregnancy joys is having no filter.. wait, who am I kidding.. I never have a filter.

It is just way worse when I'm pregnant.

So I've been avoiding the blog because I can't tell if I actually want to say something or if I'm going to be deeply embarrassed later about my hormonal ranting.

---------------------------------------------------

" I want 10 children! " I would exclaim with vigour.

10 children.

And now I think.. Who was that person?

Where have my Christian ideologies gone?

I would be married to the Bishop, I'd be Relief Society President or some other fantastic calling where people beckon me to their side because I'm the only one they need.

I'd be loved and praised and .. and..

My young teenage brain was obviously working overtime on perfecting the ideal Mormon life I thought I needed.

What happened to me? What happened to my rosey view of the world?

The truth is; I don't think my brain was stooped in reality.

There's a few good reasons as to why I chose to ignore reality, and it all came crashing down when I was about 17.

Reality is much harder than fantasy. So...so much harder.

So my brain and I took a Mormon holiday. But life didn't get any better. I didn't get any happier and I realised ( slowly ) that yes, Christianity was the key to my own personal happiness, but I needed to face the facts.

So of course I lowered my number to 5.

A few years ago:

The Candy Man " How many children would you like to have."

Me " Oh.. um five I think, yes five would be nice "

( clearly I was still coming to grips with reality )

And now?

Well, when the nurse asks me what gender the baby is and I tell her she is a girl.

And then the nurse says something like " Oh isn't that great. Now you have a boy and a girl. The perfect family "

I get pregnant annoyed.

Well, yes. I HAD hoped for a girl, but your implication that I wouldn't be happy or have the prefect family if the baby was a boy makes my hormones rage.

And the implication that if this baby was a boy we would go for number three because we would need a girl to be happy or perfect is SO wrong.

Also, your implication as a non-Christian that two is a good amount and we should stop before we are out numbered is sad.

( I swear it was all in her tone of voice and I'm not over analysing her words, it's totally what she meant.)

But yes, since on the surface your shallow words state what I believe is the truth because it's actually MY truth, I'll agree with you. ( because I know you were really just trying to connect with my situation )

And for the record, right now. I can't imagine having number three.

Because I feel like I am not emotionally present enough for the two I am lucky enough to have.

So yes, in the future we might be judged as the Mormon family who only has two children.

And I will probably continue to be asked, over and over, when we are going again - because having two is not the normal 3 or 5 or 10. ( why all the odd numbers ? )

And yes, if we indeed decide that we want to expand later, ( which is possible even after a very long gap due to my age) I'll expect that you don't shake your head and pigeon hole us as the Christians with heaps of kids down the street.

Really. I just want everyone to stop with the pointed comments and questions.

If you think the perfect gap is 18 months between your 5 children then that's great, hurrah for you. Seriously. I commend you - because that would be all types of crazy and hard and I just couldn't do it.

Does that make me less maternal? I don't think so? I want to say no. But in truth I'm probably not that maternal.. I don't really like babies.

Ask Baby Bell.. He'll tell you.

And if you think that 4 years is the perfect gap between your two children, that's great too. Can we be friends? It's exhausting!

What's that - you're Primary President and you don't have any children. Holy Cow! You're super woman. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even myself.

Not anymore.

Because reality is hard and amazing and joyous and depressing and truthfully - all over the place.

Let's hug.