Dear Hunna. {apart for now}

Dear Hunna,

 

I'm still here, you're still there and that's O.K.

But I just wanted you to know; I need you.

I love you, I miss you & I need you.

Without you I find it difficult to breathe, I need you to breathe.

It's not that I can't live without you, it's just that I don't want to.

Yes, I can still breathe on my own, but it seems like such a shallow breath, one after the other, that sticks to the top of my throat and never more deep.

I don't rely on you, but I choose to. I choose not to live without you.

When I am with you, you are like my calmative, like a mersyndol on a horrid dark migraine filled day; you slow my heart and soften my thoughts, you allow me to breathe. Deep. Right down into the bottom of my lungs.

Meditative. Breathing.

I choose you.

I choose life and love and our family and us.

I choose sun and rain and hot and cold.

As long as we are together, as long as I have you and you have me.

I am whole.

I am calm.

I am me. The real me, the one that only you know.

The tender and vulnerable and scared me.

The one who weeps, at love, at death, at laughter and misfortune.

I draw my eyes to the sky and I know, even though we are apart, we sleep under the same stars and this fact makes us so very, very close.

I'll dream of you tonight.

I'll miss you all the while.

 

Jess x

A break away

Boy and I are in Tasmania at the moment.

It's not as cold as I thought it would be, although it is still autumn and we are on the coast.

I'm taking lots of pictures and can't wait to upload them all.

Also, this Saturday is Collette's baby shower. I'll update on that when its over too.

For now, before I left something happened that I want to remember so I'm courier momenting it. Now...

----------------------------------

During the week you come home from work. You are tired. You are tired of the constant battle we are in financially. Tired of the way you are treated at work. Like you aren't important or needed and with all the belittling that goes on since you wanted to be signed off early I see you losing zest.

I see that you're tired as soon as you open the door. I worry about you.

Later, I can't remember when. But it's dark outside. You are in the bathroom and putting on your jumper. The warm, woollen cable knit jumper I wish was mine.

The hallway is dark and the light from the bathroom shines all around you, like a cocoon of light in a tunnel of darkness.

I watch you from the darkness, pulling the jumper over your head, adjusting the sleeves.

You are in the light, you are my light.

I smile and step closer, the edge of the light just reaching my body.

I say " I want that jumper"

You turn and look towards me and say " You know what I want"

I laugh and throw my head back like your implication is so, just so you.

You smile, you smile with an inkling of mischief in your eyes and start towards me as you say. " No not that. "

Like I am wrong.

I side step out of the light into our dark bedroom and you follow. You bump into me and as we fall to the bed, giggling and fumbling in the dark, me to escape and you to embrace - you sigh and raise your voice over the melee.

" I want a cuddle"

I stop struggling, soaking in your words. You grab me by the hips and in the darkness I swivel, reach around and take your neck.

You surprise me. Because its the truth. You really do want a cuddle. And what I thought was an implication for.. Eh hem. Was actually wrong.

I cuddle you, breathing in the warm scent of wool and your cologne.

" I love you Mr Andrews" and I know that even if stuff at work is horrid, we are O.K. We will always be O.K.

{Dear Boy} #6

Dear Boy,

Every morning since you were born, I have woken up amazed at how you have grown, amazed at how you are mine and amazed at how lucky I am to be your Mumma.

Your smile and your laugh and even your grumpy face makes me the happiest Mumma in the world.

Three year old you is fiercely independent, loving, caring and full of surprises.

You speak in full sentences, you jump with two feet, you run now instead of just waddling quickly.

You can pour yourself a drink and cut up your own food with a knife.

Everyday you amaze me and every day I love you more and more.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Love Mumma x